


The Atlantis Herald

by Pistol



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:02:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22040860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pistol/pseuds/Pistol
Summary: There are twenty-four hours in the day, and for the life of her, Teyla can't remember how she used to spend those hours before accepting a job at The Atlantis Herald.
Relationships: Rod McKay/John Sheppard
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	The Atlantis Herald

**Author's Note:**

> This was always for Kate, who made fandom great.

There are twenty-four hours in the day, and for the life of her, Teyla can't remember how she used to spend those hours before accepting a job at The Atlantis Herald. She has distant memories of sleeping seven hours a night, the quiet calm of her office in The Athos Sun headquarters, and the way all the articles she needed were always ready before it was time to put the paper together. All those things seem like something out of a fairy tale when her glass doors burst open as her head of Food & Dining storms in.

"I will _burn_ this building to the ground."

"Laura." Teyla smiles, pretending not to have a stress migraine that's been building since nodding through Rodney's bi-weekly list of complaints about Chaya earlier this morning. "Your job-"

"Is to write about food! This… this low-fat _monstrosity_ that Elizabeth wants me to create isn't _food_! It's a crime against tastebuds!" Her face is flushed, hands jerking angrily in the air in a way that tells Teyla that Laura's been spending too much time hanging around Rodney's cubicle. 

Lorne clears his throat awkwardly. and Laura starts, surprised at his presence.

"Who are you and what are you doing here?" 

"I'm Lorne and I _was_ having an interview before you came in."

Laura looks momentarily chided.

"I apologize, Lorne, I will be with you in a moment." Teyla turns, sending Laura a reproachful look. "Our readers have expressed a desire for healthier food options during their bikini season, and it is our duty to give them what they want. More importantly _I've_ asked you to do this." Teyla smiles serenely up at Laura. "If these are not good enough reasons for you, I can always relieve you of your burden and give your column to Chuck. I'm sure he wouldn't see it as a hardship."

Laura rolls her eyes. "I'll do it, but I'm doing it under protest."

Teyla resists the urge to roll her eyes right back. As if there was any other way work is ever completed in this office. 

"Your protest has been noted." 

Laura turns, opening the door and yelling to the room at large, "_Fat is where the flavor is, people!_ If you want it to taste good, you _can't_ expect it to be fat free!" 

From the back corner of the room Teyla sees two fists raised above their cubicle wall in support. 

"Damn the man!" John calls out, chorused by Ronon's grunt of solidarity.

"Oh shut up, Mr. I-Was-In-The-Military!" Rodney snaps from his side of the room. "You _are_ the man you're trying to fight!"

Thankfully the door swings closed behind Laura, muting the sound of the ensuing comeback while still giving Lorne and Teyla a chance to watch as Laura walks back to her cubicle, fist held high in the air and her long peasant skirt- decorated with what Rodney claims is the chemical structure of Semtex - swirling dramatically behind her. 

For a moment, Teyla lets herself drift fondly to memories of Charin, who has always been so pleased to receive any type of recipe requests from their readers at the Sun.

"Is it always like this?" Lorne turns back around, looking remarkably unfazed. 

Teyla, unwilling to lose a man with Lorne's journalism experience, offers him a weary smile and neglects to mention that Laura is one of the calmer members of the staff. "Surprisingly, this went over much better than when Elizabeth requested a recipe for low-fat sugar free cheesecake from Ms. Cadman."

"Really?"

"Indeed." She glances up with a frown through her glass door towards the sound of a commotion in the main offices where Rodney is turning even redder and louder as he jabs an angry finger in John's chest. John just crosses his arms and smirks down at him.

Lorne gestures towards the fight. "I could go try to break up-"

"Do not bother. Rodney is all bark and John would not harm him."

Lorne shoots her a curious look. "So this is all… _normal_?"

"As normal as it gets at Atlantis," she admits. "Have you perhaps reconsidered our offer?"

"Ma'am, with all due respect, I've been a reporter in three war zones. This should be a walk in the park."

Teyla does her best to swallow her laughter. "I remember thinking something very similar on my first day as well."

\---

"I thought we could all start with some introductions," Teyla says with a warning glance into each of the cubicles before turning back to Lorne. "These gentleman are in charge largely for our Science and Technology sections." She doesn't have to wait long for Rodney to take over.

"Dr. Rodney McKay, recipient of _two_ Pulitzer's." Rodney gives Lorne a curt nod before returning to his work and gesturing to Radek's side of the cubicle. "That's Radish Zelenka, but most importantly you'll rue the day you were born if I catch you snooping at my desk."

"My name is Radek," Radek corrects half-heartedly, "not _radish_."

Rodney waves him off. "Publish something worth reading and I'll think about remembering that."

"_Rodney_," Teyla chides.

"What?" Rodney snaps indignantly. "It's not like it isn't true! We all know I'm the only reason this paper is read by anyone who isn't a hippy or a complete moron."

Teyla arches a single brow, and behind her, she hears Ronon's deep chuckle.

"She's gonna kick your ass," Ronon stage whispers.

Rodney finally looks up from his work and swallows thickly when he sees her face. "I might have been exaggerating. A little. And maybe our readers aren't as _terrible_ as I made them out to be. And, who knows, if Radek applied himself, he might even be at my level someday!"

Radek snorts, "Flatterer."

Teyla sends Rodney a warning look before directing Lorne towards the opposite cubical, already mentally scheduling Rodney for coverage of the Children's Science Center's grand opening. Maybe she'll send Chaya to take pictures of Rodney with the kids.

"These men make up what we have affectionately named our Hail Mary section."

Behind them, Rodney snorts.

"John Sheppard, recipient of _two_ speeding tickets this month," John says in an impressive impression of Rodney. He winks, reaching out to shake Lorne's hand. "And this is my buddy, Ronon."

Ronon grunts, smiling proudly as Lorne stops looking at their _Thompson for Sheriff_ poster and finally notices the row of armed Furby's lined up around their desks. 

"Cool, huh?" Ronon says.

Lorne nods, and Teyla feels a jolt of sympathy. She remembers all too well feeling unsure of how to respond to the terrifying creatures when John and Ronon first started taping various knives to them. Truthfully, they've been much easier to deal with, and quieter, ever since Radek and Rodney destroyed their battery ports while Ronon and John were on a taco run.

"Hail Mary's?" Lorne asks leaning against the cubicle wall.

"Oh, you know," John says with a wide smile, "sports, horoscopes, and whatever else no one else will do. Mainly we work on the advice section we inherited from Teer."

"John is a glorified fortune cookie pretending to be a journalist," Rodney informs Lorne as he wheels his chair out into the walkway. "Their little feminist sex advice gig isn't something anyone would mistake for _real_ writing."

"You still pissed it got nominated this year and your work didn't?" Ronon calls out with a toothy grin.

"You were nominated for an award from a website that looks like my niece designed it! It'd be more of an honor to _not_ be nominated by them. Their hit counter had a pot leaf on it!" 

"You write a sex advice column for feminists?" Lorne asks.

Teyla is more than pleased to see Lorne smiling in amusement instead of running for the door like so many others before him.

John shrugs. "It's not just sex advice. It's any kind of advice."

"We also review sci-fi books based on writing, plot, the practicality of their cover's female armor if they have any, and by the presence of strong female characters," Ronon adds sagely.

Teyla hears Rodney scoff and quickly takes over before he can. "Their section is called _Octavio and Butler_, and it is very popular." She moves to grind her heel into Rodney's foot. "The Atlantis Herald is honored to count it among its selection of articles." 

Lorne politely nods along while behind her, Rodney whimpers.

\---

The introductions are all downhill after that, with slight hiccups at Miko's and Laura's cubicle. Teyla sends Lorne ahead to her office while she talks with Laura about the recipe she submitted.

"I may not have your cooking background, but I am very certain that chlorine and alcohol are _not_ considered traditional ingredients." It's an old argument, one that only rarely diverts from what is now a familiar script.

Laura scowls on queue while Miko continues to ignore them all as she focuses on compiling an obituary.

"Anyone who wants to cook that monstrosity _deserves_ to have their kitchen explode!" 

"We have talked about this, Laura," Teyla says firmly. "Also about playing your games while at work." She nods to the screen where a group of eerily familiar looking Sims are wandering around in a more brightly colored version of their office. "Also, Rodney had more hair than that, and you know it."

That catches Miko's attention, and she glances over to examine the screen before sending Laura a disapproving look.

\---

"My apologies for much of what you have seen today. I am aware my staff was less than professional." Teyla finishes pouring her tea and raises the kettle in question.

Lorne waves her off with a smile. "I gotta say, they seem to be a handful."

She answers with a tired smile. "Indeed. I wish that I could say truthfully that what you have witnessed today is not the norm."

"I kinda got that feeling." 

Teyla watches him closely, but there's no judgement there, only a thread of amusement.  
"But while our staff is perhaps _unorthodox_ at times, the facts remain that the Atlantis Herald is one of the finest papers in this country. We have received many prestigious awards and commendations." 

She gestures to the area behind her desk where many of those awards are on display and watches as Lorne looks over them before turning to look out the glass door. His eyes linger on John and Ronon as they construct a crude trebuchet out of office supplies and a shoe, on Rodney yelling while Radek ignores him, on Miko smiling politely at Chuck their Fed-Ex delivery-man, and on Laura smirking as she no doubt offers suggestions to Ronon and John.

"Despite what others might say or think about them, the people in that room are some of the finest journalists I have ever known." Teyla says softly, "They often drive me to madness, but I am very honored to be their editor-in-chief. I, of course, would understand if this type of environment is not one you would be willing to endure."

On the other side of the door, there's a loud _fwup_, _splash_, and the shrill cry Teyla knows, without looking, came from McKay. 

"We also have an excellent dental plan."

\---

Teyla is not the only one excited with the addition of Lorne to their staff, and by the time all the papers are all signed and Lorne is moved into his cubicle with Chaya, Teyla can't find it within herself to deny Ronon and John when they show up after their lunch break with enough alcohol to host a frat party.

"Only if you agree to wait until after we go to print," she concedes. 

Both are bouncing on the balls of their feet with barely contained glee.

"Keep in mind that I will be very cross if this gets out of hand," Teyla warns.

"Come on," John drawls, as Ronon throws an arm around her shoulders, "it's just a few drinks between co-workers. What could go wrong?"

Both of them somehow manage to look like butter wouldn't melt in their mouths, and against her better judgment, she rolls her eyes, shooing them out of her office.

\---

Teyla wakes up on the print room floor with a pounding headache and Ronon and John snoring loudly on either side of her. She's fully dressed, but Ronon is wearing only his boxer briefs, and John is shirtless and missing one sock. 

After several calming breaths and a moment of careful consideration. Teyla wakes them both by hitting them with her shoe. Both whine and roll away from her, blinking up at her in red-eyed confusion.

"You are both fired," she informs them primly.

"Did we all end up fucking again?"

"We most certainly did not!" Teyla hits Ronon again with her shoe. "Besides, that was one time and none of us were aware of extra ingredients in the drinks the ambassador had offered us as a token of friendship."

John closes his eyes, grunting in agreement. "I hate tokens of friendship."

"That one wasn't bad," Ronon mutters as he shields his eyes from the florescent lights.

"You did not spend two weeks peeing on a stick and wondering if you idiots used protection."

Both men wince apologetically.

"I wasn't all that worried," John says softly, rolling over to rest his head on Teyla's shoulder. "I mean, it'd turned out to be a great kid, ya know? I woulda been there for you." His voice is slurred, and Teyla knows immediately that he's still drunk.

"Yeah, we'd be good dads," Ronon agrees as Teyla realizes John's not the only one. "And Teyla would be a good mom."

Any anger she might have had drains away as she pulls both the men into a hug.

"You are both morons-" Teyla finds herself cut off by a string of vulgarities from the other side of the door.

"Holy shit," Laura screams. "I'm gonna _kill_ you, McKay!"

Like a switch has been flipped, they're all moving, scrambling up to follow John out the door and towards the shouting. 

In the main office area, Laura is being held back by Miko, who's bravely thrown herself between Laura and Rodney. Rodney, who upon closer inspection appears to be wearing a very familiar peasant skirt like a dress and not much else. Teyla swallows her smile and glances over at Laura, noticing for the first time she's clad only in her bra and a too-large pair of boxers with MRM embroidered on them.

"Jesus christ, Rodney!" John yells. "What the fuck did you do?"

Rodney glances over to John, his face a mixture of shock, embarrassment, and irritation. 

"Apparently, her!"

John's face crumples, and Rodney bites at his lip looking away from him.

"I know where to get C4," Laura hisses.

Miko rolls her eyes, shoving Laura back with surprising efficiency.

"Oh, please! Like I'm all that thrilled to have woken up next to you!"

Radek peeks out from the entrance of his cubicle. "_Do prdele!_ I had to endure your rutting and filthy words to each other last night, so if anyone here has suffered, it is me!"

Laura and Rodney both exchange looks of horror. 

"Oh my god-" Rodney moans.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Laura finishes for him as they both bolt towards the bathroom.

Teyla closes her eyes, taking two calming breaths before turning to John, who is swaying on his feet and glaring in the general direction of the bathrooms. Teyla turns, instead, to Ronon who watches them both with wary eyes.

"I am going home. When I return, the office will be cleaned, people will be wearing clothing, and the events of last night will be forgotten and never spoken of again. There will never again be an alcoholic beverage in this office. Understood?"

Ronon nods, focusing less on her and more on where John is standing, fists clenched.

"Take care of him?" Teyla asks quietly.

Ronon rolls his eyes, already steering John to the break room.

\---

A shower, a nap, and two hours of meditation leave Teyla feeling ready enough to attempt to take on the world. Or at least her office.

When she enters the building, she's not surprised by the silence. The entire team is undoubtedly suffering the combined effects of hangovers and wounded pride. Possibly homicidal thoughts if Rodney and Laura's looks are any indication. 

Over in Ronon and John's cubical, Ronon is holding their offices Roomba while John attaches what looks like a miniature cannon to it.

Teyla breaths a sigh of relief when John starts talking about a test run. Clearly, things are already settling back down to something close to this office's normal.

"Staff meeting in thirty," she calls loudly. Half the office flinches at the noise and Teyla doesn't bother to hide her smirk.

\---

The next day Rodney bursts into her office, waving a copy of the screencap from Laura’s Sims game. 

"That could be construed as a threat!"

Teyla looks longingly at the pile of work she should be doing instead of playing mother to her co-workers. The work is blessedly silent, unlike Rodney, who continues to demand her full attention.

"Rodney, I sincerely doubt Laura possesses the ability to make you wet yourself in real life."

“So we _think_! I wouldn’t put it past her to figure out a way!”

\---

Sagittarius's prediction for that week reads: _Your lucky fruit is lemon_, which thanks to Rodney’s two hour long conniption fit, slips through to print unnoticed. Teyla knows she only has herself to blame and mentally steadies herself for the ensuing fallout when Elizabeth calls.

"I don’t envy you today."

“I am not surprised. After all, it was made _quite_ clear you handed your position down to me in order to alleviate stress.”

Elizabeth laughs, and Teyla hangs up.

\---

The retaliations start with Rodney locking John out of his own computer. John retaliates by raiding a party supply store and opening a fortune-telling booth in the breakroom. By lunchtime, both men are sulking on opposite sides of the break room- Rodney with a stash of golfing magazines and a worn VHS tape and John with the only bag of coffee in the office.

Teyla pointedly ignores them both as she makes her cup of tea.

"So, I shouldn’t ask - hell, I normally wouldn’t even think of asking - but are they…" Lorne gestures between John and Rodney with a searching look. 

It's sad that an invasion into her staff's personal lives is the least stressful thing she's had to deal with today. "No, they are not together."

"I don't know why they aren't," Radek mutters into his coffee cup. "All I hear from Rodney is John did this and have you seen John's stupid hair." He snorts. "Pathetic."

Ronon grunts sympathetically.

"I don’t know. I think it's kinda cute to watch," Laura throws in, hopping up on the counter and stealing Lorne's cup of coffee. "I mean, they're both so emotionally stunted and I can't figure out how the hell neither of them seems to realize the other person is ridiculously gay for them."

"It’s obvious," Miko says with a shake of her head. "After all, this whole fight started because Rodney read the _horoscope_ section. He pretends he doesn’t, but everyone knows he only reads it because John writes it."

"I'm guessing Rodney hates horoscopes?" Lorne asks curiously.

"If you feel brave, perhaps let it drop that you follow yours very closely," Radek advises with a smirk.

\---

Their first monthly pitch meeting with Lorne is off to a good start. John and Ronon have both agreed to leave their nerf guns at their desk with minimal whining, and Laura and Rodney have yet to start trading threats. Teyla counts the whole day as a success when Lorne interrupts Rodney, who's bemoaning that the newspaper industry is doomed because it's trying to adapt to but not _exceeding_ modern day tech.

"I know this sounds crazy, but I got a front page worthy scoop on the CEO of Lose-"

Rodney cuts Lorne off with snort. "Of course you do."

"I do," Lorne protests. "I've got an inside s-"

"Let me guess. The CEO's secretary called you up and is willing to spill over lunch?" John asks with a lazy grin. 

Lorne frowns. "Yeah … How'd you know?"

"By any chance is this secretary a six-foot tall blond who was willing to be paid for his information in Red Bulls?"

"Um…"

"Wears weird shirts?" Ronon adds with a smirk.

Lorne nods dumbly. "How-"

"Lorne, while I applaud your initiative, this paper has a strict stance on not printing anything Mr. Jensen might divulge." Teyla inclines her head apologetically.

Lorne's face goes stoney. "I thought this was a reputable paper. I wasn't aware we were in anyone's pockets."  
Teyla can hear the sharp judgement in Lorne's voice, "We are a reputable paper, but we have learned the hard way that Franklin Clay's secretary is prone to _embellishment_ when his caffeine privileges are revoked."

"Wait… What?"

"He's insane," Laura supplies helpfully.

"If he's got anything new on the Fadhil Corp. merger, we'll consider it. Otherwise." Rodney shrugs.

"Right," Lorne says looking a bit lost. "I'll keep that in mind."

"Don't worry about it too much. Trying to run a Jensen-fueled story is practically a rite of passage here at Atlantis," John says with a sympathetic look. "If you get a call from him, it's best to nod along and then just call their in-house lawyer to let him know he needs to make a Starbucks run."

Lorne looks up, embarrassment plain in his eyes. "You, too?"

"Oh, yeah. Had a big story on Clay's secret sex dungeon that he used to pay off his shareholders."

"Mine was on the sexual harassment of the CEO's male secretaries," Zelenka admits with a shrug.

"Running illegal tests to try and keep their military contracts satisfied," Rodney says with a scowl.

"Secret crack addiction," Laura adds with a _what can you do?_ shrug.

"Oh," Lorne says looking dazed. "You guys aren't really like the other newspapers I've worked for."

Teyla finds herself smiling. "Indeed, we are."

"Atlantis is galaxies from other papers," Rodney says with a smug smirk, clearly missing Lorne's meaning.

\---

Lorne's first article on the local job market goes out that night, nestled next to O'Neill's coverage of the nursing strike and a photo that Chaya took for John's fluff piece on ferris wheels. Despite this, Teyla is unsure as to why Rodney feels the urge to wave it in her face.

"You need to speak with her." Rodney slaps the paper on her desk, grabbing the mouse and pulling up a folder of photos on their overhead monitor. "_This_ is what she turned in for John's article on the air show."

"Here we go again," Laura stage whispers to Miko.

Teyla raises a brow. “Rodney, _how_ did you get these photos?”

Rodney raises his chin in defiance. “Her password is a joke.”

“You know th-”

“Yes, yes, you can yell at me all you want later, but _look_!”

Teyla glares at him again before turning to the screen as Rodney scrolls through picture after picture of John looking awkwardly at the camera at various locations throughout the fairgrounds. In the background of over thirty photos, Teyla finds a grand total of three planes. 

She uselessly rubs her temple. It’s the ferris wheel photos all over again. "You have my word, I will speak with her today."

From the other side of the room, Ronon makes a thoughtful sound. "Didn't you and Chaya break up?"

"Yup," John says. 

"Wasn't it her idea?"

"Yup."

Laura rolls her eyes. "Clearly she still wants your dick."

Next to her, Rodney slams his laptop shut, muttering darkly in agreement.

"Laura!" Teyla chides. "That is _not_ acceptable workplace language."

"She says she just wants to be friends," John says eyeing the doorway longingly.

Laura cackles. "Yeah she does. She wants to be friends with your dick."

John narrows his eyes at her, but Teyla cuts him off before he can speak. "That's it. All of you are attending workplace behavior seminars!"

\---

The seminars, in retrospect, are a bad idea.

Rodney is still too wound up to be in the same room as Chaya and to be civil about it, and John is too stressed out by both of them to keep his more cutting comments in check. The others, as always, follow in chaotic suit.

Well, Teyla notes, at least Miko is _pretending_ to pay attention as she fills her notepad with cartoons of the speaker's messy deaths. 

Mr. Everett and Mr. Caldwell are clearly not used to be spoken over, and both storm out well before the seminar is done.

Teyla locks herself in her office, puts on calming music, and calls Carter. "I would like to dock everyone three day's worth of pay," she says in lieu of a greeting.

"I'm not sure that's legal, but what the hell. Consider it done." Carter pauses. "Do I want to know?"

"I am trapped in a building full of sexually-active adults who behave like teenagers," Teyla says dryly.

Carter makes a sympathetic sound. "Want to hear about how Jackson pissed off O'Neill this week?"

Teyla closes her eyes, sinking back in her seat. "Yes, please." 

Drama is always better when it’s not something you have to deal with first hand.

\---

Chaya hands in her resignation that night. 

"Oh," Teyla says. "We will all be very sad to see you go." 

It's a lie, but there's no nice way of saying _you seem like a lovely woman, but it's probably for the best because you clearly like John, which pisses off Rodney, which ultimately leads to stress levels in this office tripling._

Chaya laughs. "Thank you for saying that, but I think we both know it's time I leave and return to my place at The Athar Journal."

\---

Teyla isn't sure how, but at some point, Laura and Rodney's cold war of threats and unbecoming pictures of Rodney's Sim dies out as a Nerf gun war between John and Laura starts. It's vicious, and if not for the fact that the whole office knows they aren't allowed to mod any Nerf guns or darts that are brought into the office, Teyla might worry their war would end in blood.  
Luckily, the rules are respected, and John and Laura simply don protective sunglasses and keep their drinks covered.

\---

"Does anyone in this office actually work?" Radek complains, and slams the break room door behind him shut. He reaches up, carding a hand through his hair and plucking a dart from it with a sour look.

"Sometimes I wonder how it is we manage to scrape a paper together each night," Teyla admits. "Though I was under the impression that Laura and John had solidified their alliance since the the stapler fiasco last year."

"Old alliances can crumble under new pressures," Radek says sagely. 

Teyla folds her hands on the formica table, watching Radek expectantly.

"Laura might have been rubbing it in to John."

"Rubbing _what_ in?"

Radek gives Teyla a look. 

“Oh.”

"She said that while she doesn't remember much, she does remember the eye full she got when she stole her skirt back from Rodney." Radek shudders. "She was wearing his boxers and he was wearing noth-"

"Stop." Teyla takes a deep breath. "We _aren't_ talking about that day, remember?"

"Well you may not be, but Laura is talking. She said Rodney's ass wa-"

Teyla glares, and Radek falls silent.

"So John is…" She winces. "Taking this badly?"

"He went onto her Sims game and trapped fifty of her people in a house and orchestrated their deaths after he erased her saves. There were screencaps taken and now the sky is full of orange darts."

Teyla stands, moving to peek out the break room door. She’s just in time to see Ronon get fed up with being pelted with Laura's darts. He jerks open his desk drawer and breaks out his own bright green gun. With Ronon’s addition, Miko is quick to back Laura up with an impressive number of deftly-thrown paper planes and stuffed animals aimed at Ronon's head. 

Teyla closes the door, leaning against it and breathing deeply. Some days she feels like she works in a kindergarten. Other days, she knows she does.

"I used to work for the Athos Sun," she says wistfully. "It was a small but proud paper."

Radek smirks. "Ah, you complain, but you also keep coming back."

"I could say the same for you."

"They are crazy, yes," Radek admits, "but I think perhaps we are as well."

\---

For once it’s Miko who bursts into Teyla's office after lunch. But unlike the others, she isn’t screaming, waving objects, or staring quietly at Teyla until she asks what’s wrong. Miko just looks pale, almost scared.

"It's John," she says in a shaky voice. "Rodney has already called the ambulance."

"_What?_" Teyla's already up and moving out and into the main area, where Rodney and Ronon are escorting an overly-calm John to the exit. Laura and Lorne follow behind them, stone faced. 

Teyla can hear the sirens faintly in the distance, and her chest tightens. "Miko-"

"There was a spider on the ceiling in the women's restroom," Miko says in a whisper. "He tried to get it for me, but it fell and bit his neck. Radek was there. Luckily, he recognized it."

"The spider?" Teyla glances in confusion over to Radek, his hair looking more disheveled than normal.

He gives her a tight smile, holding up a piece of tissue paper containing a crushed iridescent bug. "Iratus spider," he says grimly. "Very, very poisonous."

Teyla nods, taking a calming breath before glancing beseechingly to Miko. "Miko-"

"Yes," she says. "Radek and I will stay. I have watched you put the paper together many times. It will not be as good as you could do, but we will go to print."

Teyla grabs Miko, resting her forehead against hers in a gesture that's half a hug and half gratitude before grabbing her keys and rushing out the door.

\---

Between Ronon and herself, they manage to calm Rodney enough that the doctors don't kick him out of the hospital and they stop threatening to sedate him.

"Assholes," Rodney whines half-heartedly, as he stares down at his hands. "They’re just glorified witch doctors."

Teyla nods in feigned sympathy, pulling him over to rest his head on her shoulder just as Laura comes strolling back in with an agitated-looking Lorne. Both are empty handed.

"I thought you were getting coffee?"

Laura winks at Rodney. "I got something better."

"She stole a box of IV bags." Lorne doesn't bother to hide his disapproval.

"Banana bags. Great for hangovers," Laura says.

"She seduced some Scottish doctor to get them."

“Laura,” Teyla hisses.

"Wait - you haven't even heard the best part yet!" Laura bounces in her seat. "Doc says they just got the antivenom flown in. He gave me his word - John's gonna be fine." 

Teyla ignores the urge to beat Laura to death and thanks the ancestors while Rodney sags against her shoulder in relief.

"He'll be okay?"

"Yeah," Lorne says with a reassuring smile. "It got here in time."

Ronon smirks. "I told you, McKay."

"Oh, yeah." Laura is watching Rodney out of the corner of her eye. "He also said John will probably need someone to watch him tonight, just to be safe, so I told the doc that if no one else was able to I coul-;"

"I'll do it," Rodney calls out predictably.

Teyla rolls her eyes. "How very generous of you, Rodney."

\---

Ronon offers to drive John and Rodney back to John's place in his truck.

"Are you sure you don't need any assistance?" Teyla glances pointedly over to where John is weakly slapping Rodney away as Rodney tries to buckle John in.

"I've babysat my cousins before," Ronon says with a shrug. "Shouldn't be much different."

Teyla nods, squeezing Ronon's arm in thanks just as John hisses, "Knock it off!"

"_Oh_, forgive me for trying to help the moron who almost died!"

John groans dramatically. "I didn't almost die."

"_Liar_!" Rodney shouts. "I saw you! You were all pale and the doctors were worried they didn’t have any antivenom in..." Rodney trails off, looking tired and hunched over. "I was worried, okay?"

"I know, buddy." John sighs and pulls Rodney into a half hug. "Sorry I scared you."

"Dumbass."

"Yup, I'm the dumbest." John's drawl doesn't match the concerned look on his face as Rodney burrows into his side.

"No more heroics."

John looks up, rolling his eyes at Teyla and Ronon while he rubs Rodney's back. "I promise, if anyone asks me to kill a bug, I promise to run screaming in the other direction."

"You better get going," Teyla tells Ronon. "Both of them have had a long day. I fear they are both about to fall asleep in your truck."

Ronon nods, climbing up into the truck. 

"Do you even have a license to drive this thing?"

"I don't," Ronon tells Rodney with a grin. "Better buckle up." 

Teyla watches as Ronon peals out of the hospital parking lot, screeching tires accompanied by the sounds of Rodney screeching.

"I do not envy your journey," she tells his dust trail with a smirk.

\---

When John and Rodney finally show up to the office, they're two hours late and both of their hair is still wet from a shower. Everyone stops what they're doing to watch Rodney fuss at John's neck bandage when John shrugs out of his jacket.

Teyla finds that it's hard _not_ to notice that John's lazy sprawl is extra lazy and that Rodney's smug is twice his normal level. When she calls a meeting, John keeps a proprietary hand on Rodney's back as they walk to their cubicles. 

Ronon frowns at them before digging into his pocket and handing her a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

“Thank you,” she says smiling widely.

Ronon looks her over, scratching absently at his neck. “How’d you know? I mean, they’ve been circling each other for years.”

Teyla shrugs. “Near death experience. Rodney is a smart man, too smart to let himself waste another five years or risk another spider attacking John.”

"Oh my god, you two are disgustingly cute," Laura coos loudly to Rodney. 

Teyla is inclined to agree.

\---

Teyla had expected the arguing between John and Rodney to stop. Sadly, if anything, it's only gotten worse. Both men seem to use it as foreplay. In the office. 

As it is, she's close to snapping when she walks in on Ronon peeing on her office fern. 

"The bathroom’s occupied," he says by way of explanation. 

Teyla crosses her arms, unimpressed. "There are many stalls, Ronon." 

Ronon shrugs, unselfconsciously shaking before tucking himself away. "It's weird to take a leak when someone's getting fucked in the stall next to you." 

She closes her eyes and focuses on just breathing. "I miss Athos," she says quietly.

"Bullshit, you'd be bored out of your mind if you went back there."

\---

Teyla puts a sign on the bathroom door, reminding everyone that it's one person per stall at lunch. It's quite possibly an all-time low in her career.

By the time they're ready to go to print, the sign is covered by a screen capture of John and Rodney's Sims in a hot tub.

When she takes the picture to Laura for explanation, she's mostly ignored as Laura keeps flipping absently though her _Cook's Illustrated_. "Just be lucky I stuck with the Sims. After all, I have a wireless webcam."

Next to her, Miko extends a fist which Laura bumps with her own.

"I'm going to fire you both."

Miko snorts.

"I could," Teyla warns them.

"Dude, you love it here. We all see those smiles you try to hide. Just give it up already." Laura smiles widely up at her. "_One of us, one of us, one of us!_"

\---

It probably means Laura was right, but when Teyla walks in the break room to find Miko cornering a wide-eyed John, Teyla really isn't surprised. 

"Miko?"

Miko turns, terrifying smile switching to a shy grin as she nods hello. "Good morning."

Teyla nods back and ignores John's frantic hand signals. "Is everything all right?"

"Of course, I was just reminding John about my job." Miko turns, the expression on her face going hard. It's unlike anything Teyla's ever seen from her. 

"Oh?"

"He is aware that I spend most of my time covering crime scenes and obituaries. I was just pointing out how if I chose a life of crime, I would have little problem disposing of the body and any incriminating evidence."

Next to Teyla, the microwave dings, making both her and John startle. Miko calmly walks over, taking her mug out, and gives another polite nod to Teyla before walking out.

"Well," John says clearing his throat. "That was … different."

"Dare I ask?"

John looks over at her, rather dazed. "Apparently I need to make Rodney an honest man."

Teyla blinks. "You have been together for a week, have you not?"

"Well, five days, but apparently it's in my best interest to treat him right as soon as possible." 

John smooths his hands down his shirt with a nervous frown. "And apparently Rodney has always wanted a big wedding."

"I wish I didn't ask," Teyla says for lack of better things to say.

John nods absently. "Doesn't Atlantis have a sister paper in Russia or something?"

Teyla closes her eyes, composing herself before grabbing John's shirt and pushing him back into the wall. 

"Teyla … ?"

"Listen closely, John Sheppard. I put up with much in this office, and should you decide to flee the country after the _years_ I've spent putting up with you and Rodney, Miko will be the least of your worries."

"I'm just thinking that maybe I didn't think this whole me-and-Rodn-"

"While I am very aware that you have the emotional maturity of one of your Furby's, I also know I have spent nearly five years watching you trying to court Rodney much the way children do on the playground." Teyla shoves him back into the wall once more, just because Miko made it look like so much fun. "And should you run away and leave me to deal with the fallout that will take place in this office, I will track you down and make you suffer." Before he can say anything else, Teyla releases his shirt, turns, and walks away with a bounce in her step.

**Author's Note:**

> Was previously posted, then taken down. Now it's back up. Beware the errors and typos, I suspect the files I found on my old harddrive are the pre-beta versions.  
Please don't steal any of my silly stories and change some names around and then try to sell them as books on Amazon or I'm gonna have to take everything down again.


End file.
